2012 (2009)

Sunday night in, cooked paella, burnt my finger in the process (got an obscene blister on my left index finger to prove it), watched Spurs get a glorious last minute winner against Liverpool. What next? I entrusted my evening's entertainment in the Movie channels and was served up Roland Emmerich's latest attempt at destroying the planet, 2012. Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, Universal Soldier, Stargate. Surely I would be in safe hands.



Emmerich doesn't waste much time, with his writing or setting up the plot, as we are thrown straight into the problem facing planet earth. An Indian scientist discovers that solar flares are going to turn the core of the earth into free-flowing, magma which will destabilise the Earth's crust. Some scientific mumbo jumbo is spouted, and then Emmerich moves on to meeting the characters, satisfied that he has done enough to convince the viewer of what is happening.

The characters are the usual, generic, stereotypical people that these films always tend to throw up with relationships that are broken or need to be renewed. A father who doesn't do enough for his kids, a young scientist who just wants to make a different, blah, blah, blah.

So, tragedy explained, people to be affected are introduced, problems to be resolved, stop me if you've seen this before.

Having said that, when I settled down to watch this, I wasn't doing so because I thought I might get an interesting character piece acted out in sonnets or rhyming couplets. No, I knew I was going to get to see our planet destroyed, and was therefore getting a bit twitchy with all this exposition. 'Come on Roland, blow something up'.

And he did. A limo chase through California as buildings and freeways collapse, gaping chasms open up with lorries and people falling to their death, explosions, fire, it's all there. Bit more plot, bit of family interaction acted out in a wooden manner. Then we have a giant super volcano, this time involving a camper van narrowly avoiding a plummet into the Earth's core. Bit more talking. Then Vegas gets destroyed while, guess what, a plane just manages to escape before it's too late. Honestly, how many times can the same people, in different vehicles just manage to survive and be the last people to get out of a scrape alive? Wheels just managing to avoid a crack, just manage to squeak under a collapsing road, just manage to turn the engines on in time to regain altitude.

Perhaps I'm being too fussy. The effects do look good, but so did the effects in The Day After Tomorrow, and in all of his other films. How about something new, something fresh? Roland, can you here me? Oh sorry, you're in the process of rendering a tidal wave to kill the president.

I know what you're thinking, 'Come on Ollie, what did you expect?', and you're right, why should he do something fresh, all those films have made money, this one made a killing too, but how about having an action movie with a bit of depth? This film must have one of the largest death counts ever, but not once do we ever feel sadness, or emotion at the loss of life. One character loses her husband, and stepfather to her children, in one of the final scenes, then minutes later she is kissing some other bloke. 'What about Gordon'? you ask. 'Who's Gordon?'

I better mention the cast, I suppose, if only to say that they should know better than this. John Cusack, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, Woody Harrelson, Oliver Platt. Come on people. They must have got some decent money, which I do not begrudge them, but at some point during the shoot, surely someone could have stood up and suggested that one or two lines be subjected to a re-write. And here's a tip, if you are going to cast someone as a Russian, perhaps it would be good to audition for people who are able to do Russian accents, or if that's a stretch, how about an actual Russian person?

It's two hours 30 minutes long, an overblown, saggy film with some nonsense plot which alludes to the Bible, used to try and blow more stuff up along the way, as it propels towards a 'moral of the story' ending that has all the emotional impact of a soggy piece of origami.

However, people want to see these films, the box office supports that, and it is fun, in a totally disposable way, like Super Noodles, it does a job but you can't say your remotely satisfied afterwards. Wouldn't it be nice if we weren't treated as complete idiots though and given something with a bit more flesh on the bones. Otherwise, it could be the end of the cinema world....